When Johnny Marries Moochie

The unintended consequences of state-approved same-gender marriage

By John Kubicek

(I would highly recommend parental guidance before you allow your children to read this column or see the following video.)

This news segment was the top of the news on Monday, April 27, 2009. I really didn't need to see this happening, and I was having a major problem with all the gagging that I was going through. I was beginning to wonder if I was coming down with the swine flu. But then I got to thinking what was really making me sick. The fact that the State of Iowa became a place that my new hero Carrie Prejean wouldn't approve of was nauseating enough. But then, they (the local media) had to go and rub it in my face. I doubt a baby's dirty diaper would have been worse..... Ooops, TMI.

In order to keep this from being an adult-rated video, I had to insert the picture of me and the love of my life - a female, of course - giving each other a smooch, in contrast to what the local TV station was broadcasting.

(Repeating my warning: Parental discretion is recommended before seeing the following video)



I must apologize to any same-gender couples. I am not trying to be intolerant. It just sort of seems that way... But, in trying to be tolerant, to accept diversity and alternative life-styles, I should be tolerant and give you the freedom to allow you to do your own thing.

And so, with that being said, I'm sure to get your support when I apply for a marriage license to marry the love of my life, my best friend, Moochie. I mean, if we're going to have equality here, why should there be any line drawn to what is acceptable?

I am sure you are aware that I'd only be one card-carrying member of PETA and ACLU attorney away from my dream of legitimizing my relationship and partnership with Moochie. According to the definition of marriage now the law in Iowa, it would only be fair for me to marry the girl that sleeps next to me when I go to bed. And of course, I'd also need to have a pass on the fact that she's only five and a half years old (about 39 in dog years).

While trying to be tolerant, and watching the local news segment where I had to shut my eyes, cover my ears and loudly repeat, "la-la-la-la," I had to wonder what is next. How long before other relationships and life-styles are to be sanctioned and forced down our throats? What do we do if other cultures in our midst insist that they should be able to hook up with members of their own family? Will age limits for marriage, or consenting physical relationships, be the next to go?

Now, just how far will society go to draw new lines where we are expected to be tolerant? We're really going down a slippery slope where we may not be able to stop our momentum before we go over the cliff, into the abyss.

What I am now wondering, is how long will it be before Perez Hilton adds me to the public enemy list along with Carrie Prejean and Dr. James Dobson? Well, Perez is the least of my worries. It may soon be a case of being an enemy of the state, the way things are going, at least here in the swine flu... I mean.... the hog state (Way too much pork around here).

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